these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
