Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
