I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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