I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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