i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
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