apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Randomize
