One girl and one boy is just not enough.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
