cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
