One girl and one boy is just not enough.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Randomize
