I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
