Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
