Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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