i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
