my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
