that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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