Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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