I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
