Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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