You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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