dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Randomize
