We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
