Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
