I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
love makes seman taste better
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
