Where is the hickey?
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
