the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
