it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
