i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Randomize
