I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
