RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
