I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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