my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
