Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
