You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
