I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
