I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
