i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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