i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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