i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
