I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
