I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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