Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
