a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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