dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Who died my cat blue again?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
