Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Randomize
