ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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