i used baking grease as lip gloss
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
