sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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