I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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