Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
