i think my tv is drunk
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Randomize
