i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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