hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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