She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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